I have had the option to not worry about my son's alcoholism for almost 2 months now. I tried to figure out the best way to word that first sentence - key words being "had the option." Have I exercised this option in my life for the past 38 days? Yes and no.
While my son was in jail, he was still calling me at least once a day and I got to video chat with him from the comfort of my own home on Mother's Day. I did see him when I drove him from jail to rehab for a few hours. Now he can only call one day a week for 15 mins. When he called last week, he didn't have much to say and I could tell he was mad that I wouldn't let him live with us any more. I truly cannot imagine going through any more of the stress that last month brought from his "alcohol use disorder." So I am going to stand my ground this time and he will have to make it own his own. It's way past time.
But even saying that doesn't take away the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of no longer having him around to tend to or worry about. That's so crazy to feel that way! I tell myself, over and over, "He's 33 years old for crying out loud!" That's basically what the responding State Trooper told me when my son wrecked my car and got a DUI. I think he added a "Ma'am" to the front though. It's almost like I am having withdrawals from the insanity that is his disease.
It does seem to be getting easier not having him here. I love being around my son when he is sober and do miss having him around to talk to sometimes. But my son's continued sobriety is more important than anything I want or feel. And for whatever reason, he can't seem to live with us and stay sober. So I am going to have to learn to live without him here and without the worry and uncertainty his drinking causes. And that's not a bad thing at all!
My thoughts and stuff about alcoholism and how this disease has affected my life and people that I love.