Letting Go

I found the following on the back of a church bulletin while sitting in a church waiting for an Easter egg hunt to start this past Saturday.   As “letting go” of my son is something I have been dealing with in my life right now, I felt it was God’s guidance that made me pick up the bulletin and read this.

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring.  It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off.  It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another.  It’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective.  It’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

Letter to my Alcoholic Son

Dear son,

It’s Sunday morning and you are 1600 miles away in AZ.  Even though you are 27 years old, you have never been so far away from home before.  I hope and pray that I have thrown you far enough away from the nest this time that you will fly, fly, fly for your life.

I can’t say it’s been easy for me since you left Monday evening on that big Greyhound bus to start your new life.  At first I was so happy just to have you gone.  I had been angry and upset when, once again, you left The Way, quit a good job and went on a drinking binge.  Once again, just when things started looking up for you, you decided to self destruct.  My rational mind just couldn’t comprehend how you could so easily lie and manipulate everyone around you.   I had been praying so hard for you and wanted to believe in you so badly.   But as soon as you moved back here, the insanity started almost immediately.  I can see that now.

My heart was broken, once again, when I came home Thurs evening and you were gone.  As usual, no note… nothing.  When I noticed your toothbrush & toothpaste were gone, too, I knew you wouldn’t be back for a few days.  I wasn’t surprised though.  You are so predictable in your drinking pattern.  But I did feel totally used and totally stupid for thinking things would be different this time.  You had gotten your drivers license back, put money down on a car, and was driving for the first time in 2 years.  You had a good job that would pay your payments and allow you to move in with a roommate.  You had been sober for over 30 days.  But you just weren’t ready to handle the pressure that these new responsibilities put on your life.   So you cracked and escaped with your best friend, alcohol.

My 50th birthday came and went on Fri with no word from you.   It probably didn’t even enter your mind that it was my birthday.  Your disease makes you incapable of caring about anybody but yourself and your wants/needs.  The only use you have for other people is what they can do for you.  But I determined that I was going to have a good day on my birthday… and I did.  I knew that you were probably with your old loser friends.  I also knew that, if you survived this drinking binge, you would eventually find your way back here, hoping to find a good meal and soft bed.

True to form, when I got home from church on Sun you were here.   While you were gone, I had come to peace with the fact that I was done trying to help you.  God had revealed to me the reason I had been holding on so tightly to you.  Because I had lost both my husband and my father to death in 2006, I was so afraid of losing my only child to death, too.  But God had given me the strength to survive that loss, and He would also give me the strength to deal with whatever happens to you in your life.   I can’t go back and change the things I did wrong when raising you, which I know were many.  But I also can’t allow you to shirk your responsibilities in life and drink yourself to death right under my nose.

So while online I found the Transitional Living Communities in Mesa, AZ and you agreed to go out there and give it a try.   We both knew that you couldn’t live here with me any longer.  Like I said, I was happy at first when you left on that big bus… but it’s getting harder to deal with and I’ve been sad more than usual.  I guess I really need to go to Al-Anon.  I thought the umbilical cord has been completely severed when you went into the program at The Way, but I guess there are still some strands that didn’t get cut.  Thus the pain I am feeling.  Don’t worry about me though because I am strong and I have a loving God that watches over me.

You must decide to quit being a victim of your upbringing.  In my mind the jury’s still out on whether alcoholism is hereditary or not.  You could have come by it honest.  But I think it’s just another way you escape from the reality of life along with your video games and music.   You enjoy being alone, which you did get from me.  I’ve always been somewhat of a loner.  If you want a good life, though, you must learn to live life on God’s terms and to love & help others.

What else can I tell you that I haven’t already said hundreds of times before?  So I will end with “I love you so very much and pray for you every day.  Embrace AA and the 12 steps, get rid of all the baggage you carry around, learn to live honestly, and talk to God every day.   Make wise decisions, but own up to your wrongs.  Fly, my son, FLY!!!

Love,

Mom