Letter to my Alcoholic Son

Dear son,

It’s Sunday morning and you are 1600 miles away in AZ.  Even though you are 27 years old, you have never been so far away from home before.  I hope and pray that I have thrown you far enough away from the nest this time that you will fly, fly, fly for your life.

I can’t say it’s been easy for me since you left Monday evening on that big Greyhound bus to start your new life.  At first I was so happy just to have you gone.  I had been angry and upset when, once again, you left The Way, quit a good job and went on a drinking binge.  Once again, just when things started looking up for you, you decided to self destruct.  My rational mind just couldn’t comprehend how you could so easily lie and manipulate everyone around you.   I had been praying so hard for you and wanted to believe in you so badly.   But as soon as you moved back here, the insanity started almost immediately.  I can see that now.

My heart was broken, once again, when I came home Thurs evening and you were gone.  As usual, no note… nothing.  When I noticed your toothbrush & toothpaste were gone, too, I knew you wouldn’t be back for a few days.  I wasn’t surprised though.  You are so predictable in your drinking pattern.  But I did feel totally used and totally stupid for thinking things would be different this time.  You had gotten your drivers license back, put money down on a car, and was driving for the first time in 2 years.  You had a good job that would pay your payments and allow you to move in with a roommate.  You had been sober for over 30 days.  But you just weren’t ready to handle the pressure that these new responsibilities put on your life.   So you cracked and escaped with your best friend, alcohol.

My 50th birthday came and went on Fri with no word from you.   It probably didn’t even enter your mind that it was my birthday.  Your disease makes you incapable of caring about anybody but yourself and your wants/needs.  The only use you have for other people is what they can do for you.  But I determined that I was going to have a good day on my birthday… and I did.  I knew that you were probably with your old loser friends.  I also knew that, if you survived this drinking binge, you would eventually find your way back here, hoping to find a good meal and soft bed.

True to form, when I got home from church on Sun you were here.   While you were gone, I had come to peace with the fact that I was done trying to help you.  God had revealed to me the reason I had been holding on so tightly to you.  Because I had lost both my husband and my father to death in 2006, I was so afraid of losing my only child to death, too.  But God had given me the strength to survive that loss, and He would also give me the strength to deal with whatever happens to you in your life.   I can’t go back and change the things I did wrong when raising you, which I know were many.  But I also can’t allow you to shirk your responsibilities in life and drink yourself to death right under my nose.

So while online I found the Transitional Living Communities in Mesa, AZ and you agreed to go out there and give it a try.   We both knew that you couldn’t live here with me any longer.  Like I said, I was happy at first when you left on that big bus… but it’s getting harder to deal with and I’ve been sad more than usual.  I guess I really need to go to Al-Anon.  I thought the umbilical cord has been completely severed when you went into the program at The Way, but I guess there are still some strands that didn’t get cut.  Thus the pain I am feeling.  Don’t worry about me though because I am strong and I have a loving God that watches over me.

You must decide to quit being a victim of your upbringing.  In my mind the jury’s still out on whether alcoholism is hereditary or not.  You could have come by it honest.  But I think it’s just another way you escape from the reality of life along with your video games and music.   You enjoy being alone, which you did get from me.  I’ve always been somewhat of a loner.  If you want a good life, though, you must learn to live life on God’s terms and to love & help others.

What else can I tell you that I haven’t already said hundreds of times before?  So I will end with “I love you so very much and pray for you every day.  Embrace AA and the 12 steps, get rid of all the baggage you carry around, learn to live honestly, and talk to God every day.   Make wise decisions, but own up to your wrongs.  Fly, my son, FLY!!!

Love,

Mom

The Last Two Months

This is my first post since my unhappy New Year’s Day experience with my alcoholic son.   I am happy to report that he is now back at The Way, started a full-time job and doing well.  But it was a hard 2 months.  After staying with my mother for a few days, he then went to his father’s house for a few days, then to his paternal grandparents’ house for a few days.  He wanted to come back home to supposedly look for a job before going back to The Way on Feb 1.  Good codependent that I am, I let him.

Of course, it was just a matter of days before he was drinking again.  I have a full-time job and couldn’t babysit him.  He had gotten paid from his last job while at The Way, so he had money to blow.  During this whole experience, I have gotten closer to God and began to turn over control every day to Him.  Since I am so in tune to my son’s ways, I would see some small growth in him and would be encouraged.  He would attend church with me on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights and seemed to enjoy it.   Then I would be discouraged again when he would drink himself sick.  When he ran out of money, he sold his Ipod and then a new cell phone I had gotten him.

When Feb 1 finally came around, we had a meeting with the director of The Way.  We were told that he could return, but there was a waiting list with 2 men ahead of him.  Once back home, my son continued to drink.  One day I came home and found that he had stolen all the change I had been saving in a plastic jug.  I went off on him and said some things that I regretted.  I then remembered all the times I stole from my parents over 18 years ago when I got addicted to cocaine.  The next morning I told him about  my past and that I understood it’s not who he really is inside, but it’s what his disease makes him do.  He said he realized how bad his drinking had become when he stole from me after all I had done to try to help him.

I know that Al-Anon says I should have kicked him out on the streets and I really struggled with that.  Sometimes God asks us to do things differently from the way the world would do things.  I learned this when my late husband was still drinking and making life hell for us.  God kept telling me to stay in the marriage because He was going to work a miracle in my husband’s life.  So I stayed and prayed and waited for the miracle that eventually came to pass when Jesus delivered him from the desire to drink.  I felt that God was telling me the same thing about my son.  Also, because it was winter and snowing and brutally cold, I just didn’t see that as an option.  I could just imagine seeing him out on the street while I was coming and going about my life, or possibly standing outside my apartment looking like a lost puppy.  My son is not street-smart and most likely would not have survived on the streets.  Once I made the decision to let him stay, I had peace in my spirit.

We continued to attend church together and after the stealing incident, he didn’t drink again.  He checked in to The Way by phone every week.  I prayed for him every day and had family and friends praying for him.  During the whole time he was out of The Way,  he chose to not smoke pot again.  So last Thursday when he was told that he could finally return to The Way, he was able to test clean.  I took him back the next day.  They are letting me pick him up for church, which is a blessing since he really enjoys the church we have been attending.  Today he started a full-time, day job that will give him enough to pay his rent at The Way and have some left to save for when he gets out.

What have I learned from all this?  I have learned to put my whole trust in God and let Him control my actions.  The Bible says that God’s ways are not our ways and that is so true.  The world would have me put my alcoholic son out on the streets, but God didn’t want me to do that.  Because I allowed my son to stay, he is still alive and has matured in his walk with God.  He is now back at a place that will help him learn to do life and accept life on life’s terms.  I have made positive changes in my own life because I want to be a better person and a better example for my son.

I don’t know what the future holds for my son.  I have a vision in my spirit that he will one day be a great man of God and will help other alcoholics find sobriety through faith in Jesus Christ.  All things are possible with God!

Unhappy New Year!

The first day of 2011 started with one of my worst fears coming true… my son was kicked out of the recovery program at The Way.  I got a call that he had snuck out of the house during the night New Year’s Eve and had him a few drinks, then snuck back in.  Someone smelled alcohol on him and so they tested him.  Of course he tested positive.  He had been in the program for 40 days.

I had told him if he left or was asked to leave before he graduated the program that there was nothing I could do for him.  He asked if he could come by here and pick up his computer to take to a friend’s house, and stupid me said “yes”.   My heart was so broken and I was so numb over the situation that I didn’t make him leave that night.  I just couldn’t deal with it right away.  The next morning, being the good codependent that I am, I decided to give him one more chance.  We had a talk and I explained the rules he had to follow to stay.  He agreed to stay sober, go to AA meetings daily and continue to work.  I left and went to the grocery store, came home and took him to a 10am AA meeting.  While he was at the meeting, I went through things in his room and found 8 Steel Reserves hidden in his closet that were still cold.  He had gone to the store while I was at the grocery.  I realized that if he stayed if would be the same old insanity trip.  I prayed for God to give me strength to do what I had to do.  When he called for me to pick him up from meeting, I told him that if he had energy to walk to the store to get beer, that he could walk home from the meeting.  That way he had time to decide what to pack and where he wanted me to take him.

Well, he came in, packed his bag, and I dropped him off at a friend’s apt in another town.  That was on Sunday.   He called my mother yesterday (Wednesday) and asked her to pick him up.  She lives in the same town as his friend.  Being the good codependent that she is, she brought him to her home.   I had told her to not give him any money if he asked,  but didn’t know he would ask to stay with her.  My 45-yr-old addicted sister is already living there and taking advantage of Mom’s codependency, so I hate that she has to deal with my son, too.

The Way has said that Dale can come back into the program after 30 days without having to pay $1000 again.  My son says he wants to go back in, that he hadn’t wanted to get kicked out.  He thought he wouldn’t get caught after drinking New Year’s Eve.  But he didn’t take into consideration that once he started drinking, his body wouldn’t let him stop.  So if he didn’t get caught that time, it would only be matter of time before he had to drink again and again and would eventually get caught.

While in the program, I got nothing but good reports about him and his progress.  Yet when he got a pass and came home for Christmas, I didn’t really see any growth in him except he was not drinking.  He was still selfish and self-centered, didn’t want to socialize with the family, and never once apologized for what his addiction had put his family through.  He had money, but bought no gifts except for himself.  So either he was just playing while at The Way and pretending to get it, or his visits home set off too many triggers and caused him to stumble.  After he had been in the program for 30 days, he was allowed to have his cell phone and his Ipod.  I think having these 2 things also tripped him up by putting his mind back into the old world.

So, my son still has 3 weeks to go before he can return to The Way.  I had hoped that he would hit his bottom during this month, but if my mother insists on helping him, I don’t know if it will happen.  I guess he ran out of money and his friend kicked him out.  I have not called him and will not.  He will have to call me.  I don’t know what I will do.  My mother is old and doesn’t need the added stress.  The rest of his family agrees with me that he needs to hit bottom and probably won’t take him in.

All I can do is pray daily for strength and wisdom in dealing with my alcoholic son.  I know that as long as he is still alive, there is hope.  I don’t know what his bottom will be.  I just pray it is not death.