The Past 3 Years

So, the last time I posted my alcoholic son had been in jail for DUI.  Because he wouldn't abide by the rules of the court, he ended up in jail while they could get him in a rehab facility.  He finally returned to a state-funded rehab that he had already been to twice before.  After being there for 21 days, he came out and my codependent self let him stay with me at my mother's house.  He started drinking again and not abiding by the rules (mine or the court). I talked to the court officers and was told they would put a warrant out for him.  One night he was especially drunk, so I called the police and had him picked up.  He finished out his original sentence and went to stay with his paternal grandparents.

In Oct 2017, I decided it would be a good idea for him to go to Raleigh, NC to live in an Oxford house and be close to his daughter. Notice that I said "I decided..."  Still trying to control the situation.  Being in Raleigh did not end well for him as he was in and out of sober living houses and different hospitals.  Relapsing and becoming homeless then going to the hospital to detox and doing the whole crazy circle all over again.  I lost track of where he was at any given time.  North Carolina does have a great support system for people who are trying to recover and it probably saved his life while he was there.

I don't remember exactly how long he was in NC but it was more than a month.  As you probably guessed, I did let him come back to AL and live with my mother and me.  I was in the process of doing renovations to Mom's house and I thought he could help.  While I don't remember all the details during this time, I do know that he did start drinking again as usual.

In May of 2018, I did a GoFundMe to raise money for Dale to enter The Foundry in Bessemer, AL.  It was a faith-based rehab and I knew that a closer relationship with Jesus was his only hope.  The $975 was raised and I dropped him off down there.  He hated being there and never adjusted to their way of doing things.  After a month or so, my sister agreed that he could come a live with her so I picked him up and took him to his aunt's apartment.  She is on disability so could take him to work etc.  He did OK there for a while, getting a job and all.  But gradually the alcohol temptation was too great and he relapsed again.
 (To Be Continued)

Codependent Withdrawal from the Alcoholic

I have had the option to not worry about my son's alcoholism for almost 2 months now. I tried to figure out the best way to word that first sentence - key words being "had the option." Have I exercised this option in my life for the past 38 days? Yes and no.

While my son was in jail, he was still calling me at least once a day and I got to video chat with him from the comfort of my own home on Mother's Day. I did see him when I drove him from jail to rehab for a few hours. Now he can only call one day a week for 15 mins. When he called last week, he didn't have much to say and I could tell he was mad that I wouldn't let him live with us any more. I truly cannot imagine going through any more of the stress that last month brought from his "alcohol use disorder." So I am going to stand my ground this time and he will have to make it own his own. It's way past time.

But even saying that doesn't take away the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of no longer having him around to tend to or worry about. That's so crazy to feel that way! I tell myself, over and over, "He's 33 years old for crying out loud!" That's basically what the responding State Trooper told me when my son wrecked my car and got a DUI. I think he added a "Ma'am" to the front though. It's almost like I am having withdrawals from the insanity that is his disease.

It does seem to be getting easier not having him here. I love being around my son when he is sober and do miss having him around to talk to sometimes. But my son's continued sobriety is more important than anything I want or feel. And for whatever reason, he can't seem to live with us and stay sober. So I am going to have to learn to live without him here and without the worry and uncertainty his drinking causes. And that's not a bad thing at all!

My Alcoholic Son

This photo was taken in March of this year.  Mom and I had just gotten home from Sunday evening service at church.  This what we found - my son passed out on the garage floor.  He had left with a drinking buddy earlier in the day.  Of course, my first reaction was "Is he alive or dead?" Not a question a mother ever wants to ponder... ever.

He was still alive, but totally out of it.  At first I couldn't get him to come to, and when he finally did he couldn't get himself up off the floor.  He passed out again so I just left him there for a while. Eventually I was able to help him stagger into the house and fall on the bed.

It hurts my heart to see this photo because this is what alcohol has reduced my son to.  I hate alcoholism!

Red Solo Cup Parody - STYROFOAM CUP

I really enjoyed this song, and I hope you will, too!

The Insanity Continues and I Still Hate Alcoholism!!!

Yes, shame on me for neglecting my blog for almost 3 years! But in my defense, there have been alot of changes in my life during this time. I got laid off from my good paying job in April 2013. Unemployment insurance just didn't quite pay the bills, so in October 2013 I moved back to my hometown to stay with and care for my mother who suffers from Alzheimer's Disease.

My alcoholic son had to live somewhere other than with me, so I bought him a plane ticket to Texas to stay with a friend he had met while living at a halfway house in Arizona. That lasted about 6 months. His friend was also an alcoholic who drank at night and fought with his live-in girlfriend, so that didn't work out. I bought him another plane ticket to go live with a high school buddy and his wife in Utah. (I know, I am such a good codependent.) That went OK for a while. Dale was working 2 jobs and seemed to be doing alright. Then he ended up back in the hospital in Utah with pancreatitis. His 2nd episode in less than 2 years. It was so hard for me to be so far away, but I didn't go to him.

Of course, I eventually ended up letting him come and live in my mother's house with us. Since that time, because of his drinking, he has had and lost numerous jobs, was in the hospital for the 3rd time with pancreatitis, wrecked my car, got a DUI, stole money from my mother, and was in and out of 3 different hospitals in April of this year. His DUI sentence was an $875.00 fine, 6 months suspended sentence to 2 years probation and report to the court referral officer (CRO). Since he continued to always go back to the alcohol, the CRO had his probation revoked and issued a warrant for his arrest. When the deputy came to the house to get him, he was waiting for a friend to come pick up him and he had a forged check in his pocket on my mother's account for $100. I am grateful the deputy showed up when he did, but it was hard to see him put in handcuffs and taken away. As of 5/25, he is now in an addiction rehab facility for 3 weeks.

Through all this insanity with my son, I have been doing improvements and redecorating this 51 year old house, dealing with mother's progressing Alzheimer's, totally rewired my sister's 1977 Toyota pickup, acquired an 11-yr-old rescue dog named Noah, and started doing mystery shopping to make some income. I am so grateful for Spring because I love flowers. Flowers make me happy. Being able to beautify the yard with flowers has lowered my stress level. As a Christian, I know that God has a plan for my son's life and have been learning to trust that all is going as God has planned and Dale will eventually reach his rock bottom and learn to live sober. The Serenity Prayer has helped me when I just didn't know what to pray any more.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

I am going to try to write more often, even if no one reads it but me.

Cunning, Baffling and Powerful

The Big Book of AA says in the How It Works section:

"Remember that we deal with alcohol--cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power--that One is God. May you find Him now!"

What do the words "cunning, baffling, powerful" really mean and how does this apply to alcohol? I looked the words up in the The Free Dictionary online and this is what I found.

cun·ning (knng)
adj.
1. Marked by or given to artful subtlety and deceptiveness.
2. Executed with or exhibiting ingenuity.
3. Delicately pleasing; pretty or cute: a cunning pet.
n.
1. Skill in deception; guile.
2. Skill or adeptness in execution or performance; dexterity.

baf·fle (bfl)
tr.v.baf·fled, baf·fling, baf·fles
1. To frustrate or check (a person) as by confusing or perplexing; stymie.
2. To impede the force or movement of.

pow·er·ful (pour-fl)
adj.
1. Having or capable of exerting power.
2. Effective or potent: a powerful drug.
3. Chiefly Upper Southern U.S. Great: "[Everybody had] a powerful lot to say about faith and good works and free grace and preforeordestination, and I don't know what all" (Mark Twain).

Alcohol is cunning because the power it holds over the alcoholic can be subtle and deceptive. Alcohol tricks the alcoholic into believing their life will be better if they just take that first drink--that all their problems will go away when actually the reverse is true. I know in my son's case, drinking just compounds his problems because he spends all his money and doesn't go to work. But alcohol tells him that life will be less boring and more exciting, if he will just drink it. Alcohol doesn't remind him that he will also be sick and hungover and broke.

Alcohol is baffling because the alcoholic can't figure out why they continue to drink something that in the end causes them so much pain and is ultimately destroying their life. My alcoholic son seems to feel that he doesn't deserve anything good to happen to him and continually sabatoges any good thing that comes into his life. If that is not baffling to him, it certainly is to me.

Alcohol is powerful because of the hold it exerts over the alcoholic's will. Because of alcohol's power, alcoholics will literally drink themselves to death. Alcohol is powerful in what it does to the body as well as what it does to the mind of the alcoholic.

But I must refer to the rest of the quote from the Big Book of AA. Alcohol may be cunning, baffling and powerful, but God is more powerful than alcohol. If the alcoholic will admit they have a problem, that they can't manage the problem themselves, and turn that problem over to almighty God, they will reduce the cunning, baffling and powerful effects of alcohol in their life.

135 Things To Do Instead of Drinking

1. Exercise, run, etc.
2. Put on fake tattoos
3. Draw on yourself with washable markers
4. Give yourself a facial
5. Write poetry
6. Cuddle with a stuffed animal
7. Be with other people
8. Watch a sitcom on TV
9. Post on web boards/reply to other posts
10. Paint your nails
11. Go to see a movie
12. Eat something you can't resist
13. Work on your car
14. Write a letter you don't intend to send
15. Invent silly hairdos
16. Call a friend and ask them to come hang out
17. Play a musical instrument; pots and spoons work, too
18. Sing a silly song
19. Pray
20. Look up at the sky and count clouds or stars
21. Make up your own list of THINGS TO DO INSTEAD
22. Punch a punching bag... with gloves, of course
23. Station yourself outside a public place and hold the door for everyone
24. Go to the zoo and rename all the animals
25. Let yourself cry
26. Sleep, only if you are tired
27. A hot/cold shower (changing the temperature will help to destress you)
28. Play with a pet
29. Smile at five people, at least
30. Reorganize your closets
31. Go out and perform one random act of kindness
32. Have a pillow fight with the wall
33. Knit or sew or cross-stitch or crochet
34. Read a good book
35. Text someone you love
36. Dress up very glamorous
37. Color your hair
38. Listen to uplifting music
39. Watch fish swim
40. Find someone who needs your help
41. Read the Bible
42. Call up an old friend
43. Work on a website or start a new one
44. Plan a fantasy vacation
45. Go to the park and watch children play
46. Bake desserts
47. Alphabetize your CDs or movies
48. Talk to God
49. Buy a henna tattoo kit
50. Paint or draw
51. Rip paper into itty bitty pieces
52. Hug someone, even yourself
53. Check email or send email
54. Call your sponsor
55. Hug a pillow
56. Go to the river
57. Finger paint
58. Scream as loud as your want
59. Dance
60. Make hot chocolate
61. Pop bubble wrap
62. Play with modeling clay or play dough
63. Count to 135
64. Build a fort in your living room
65. Pop balloons
66. Write an "I love you because" letter to yourself
67. Read something in a different language and try to figure out what it says
68. Go for a drive or a walk
69. Complete a task you've been putting off
70. Drink Kool-aid
71. Learn how to do Origami
72. Reorganize your kitchen
73. Prepare foods you love
74. Learn archery
75. Go rock climbing
76. Fine tune your car or house stereo's equalizer
77. Organize bille, receipts, coupons
78. Make a to-do list
79. Go out for ice cream
80. Buy a stuffed animal
81. Look at pretty things, like flowers or artwork
82. Create something
83. Throw socks against the wall
84. Make a list of blessings in your life
85. Go to a friend's house
86. Take up fencing
87. Watch old movies
88. Call your therapist or make an appointment with one
89. Talk to your pastor
90. Ride a bike
91. Polish silver or jewelry
92. Garden or water house plants
93. Rearrange a room
94. Feed the ducks, birds, or squirrels
95. Play with face paint
96. Color with crayons
97. Memorize a poem or song or a Bible verse
98. Roll down a hill
99. Catch butterflies or lightening bugs or June bugs
100. Sit by a creek and watch tadpoles
101. Think of alias' for yourself
102. Go to a public place and people watch
103. Make a CD of your favorite songs
104. Name all your stuffed animals
105. Go grocery shopping
106. Get into  your PJs and just veg
107. Give yourself a pedicure
108. Play the 15-minute game (you can't use your favorite bad thing for 15 mins)
109. Plan your fantasy wedding or honeymoon or second honeymoon
110. Listen for God
111. Alphabetize your books and magazines
112. Hunt for your perfect home online
113. Take up Tai Chi or Yoga
114. Make as many words as possible out of your full name
115. Count light fixtures or light bulbs
116. Go to a meeting
117. Search for ridiculous things on the web
118. Send e-cards
119. Color coordinate your wardrobe
120. Do a home tan
121. Clean out dressers
122. Buy yourself new toys and play like you're 8 years old
123. Ponder on where the socks in the dryer go
124. Scribble on people in magazines
125. Plan a dinner party
126. Start collecting something
127. Buy more stuffed animals
128. Hang upside down
129. Climb a tree
130. Buy a pet
131. Go through old clothes and give some away
132. Hunt for stuff on Ebay
133. Paint a mural on the wall
134. Pick addresses out of the phone book and send them anonymous cards
135. Read a book of tongue twisters out loud

What Does the Bible Say About Alcohol?

75 WARNINGS

There is more Scripture condemning the use of alcoholic beverages than will be found on the subjects of lying, adultery, swearing, cheating, hypocrisy, pride, or even blasphemy.

1) Genesis 9:20-26 – Noah became drunk; the result was immorality and family trouble.
2) Genesis 19:30-38 – Lot was so drunk he did not know what he was doing; this led to immorality
3) Leviticus 10:9-11 – God commanded priests not to drink so that they could tell the difference between the holy and the unholy.
4) Numbers 6:3 – The Nazarites were told to eat or drink nothing from the grape vine.
5) Deuteronomy 21:20 – A drunken son was stubborn and rebellious.
6) Deuteronomy 29:5-6 – God gave no grape juice to Israel nor did they have intoxicating drink in the wilderness.
7) Deuteronomy 32:33 – Intoxicating wine is like the poison of serpents, the cruel venom of asps.
8) Judges 13:4, 7, 14 – Samson was to be a Nazarite for life. His mother was told not to drink wine or strong drink.
9) 1 Samuel 1:14-15 – Accused, Hannah said she drank no wine.
10) 1 Samuel 25:32-38 – Nabal died after a drunken spree.
11) 2 Samuel 11:13 – By getting Uriah drunk, David hoped to cover his sin.
12) 2 Samuel 13:28-29 – Amnon was drunk when he was killed.
13) 1 Kings 16:8-10 – The king was drinking himself into drunkenness when he was assassinated.
14) 1 Kings 20:12-21 – Ben-Hadad and 32 other kings were drinking when they were attacked and defeated by the Israelites.
15) Esther 1:5-12 – The king gave each one all the drink he wanted. The king was intoxicated when he commanded the queen to come.
16) Psalm 75:8 – The Lord’s anger is pictured as mixed wine poured out and drunk by the wicked.
17) Proverbs 4:17 – Alcoholic drink is called the wine of violence.
18) Proverbs 20:1 – Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging.
19) Proverbs 23:19-20 – A wise person will not be among the drinkers of alcoholic beverages.
20) Proverbs 23:21 – Drunkenness causes poverty.
21) Proverbs 23:29-30 – Drinking causes woe, sorrow, fighting, babbling, wounds without cause and red eyes.
22) Proverbs 23:31 – God instructs not to look at intoxicating drinks.
23) Proverbs 23:32 – Alcoholic drinks bite like a serpent, sting like an adder.
24) Proverbs 23:33 – Alcohol causes the drinker to have strange and adulterous thoughts, produces willfulness, and prevents reformation.
25) Proverbs 23:34 – Alcohol makes the drinker unstable.
26) Proverbs 23:35 – Alcohol makes the drinker insensitive to pain so he does not perceive it as a warning. Alcohol is habit forming.
27) Proverb 31:4-5 – Kings, Princes, and others who rule and judge must not drink alcohol. Alcohol perverts good judgment.
28) Proverbs 31:6-7 – Strong drink could be given to those about to perish or those in pain. Better anesthetics are available today.
29) Ecclesiastes 2:3 – The king tried everything, including intoxicating drink, to see if it satisfied. It did not. (Ecclesiastes 12:8)
30) Ecclesiastes 10:17 – A land is blessed when its leaders do not drink.
31) Isaiah 5:11-12 – Woe to those who get up early to drink and stay up late at night to get drunk.
32) Isaiah 5:22 – Woe to “champion” drinkers and “experts” at mixing drinks.
33) Isaiah 19:14 – Drunken men stagger in their vomit.
34) Isaiah 22:12-13 – The Israelites choose to drink; their future looks hopeless to them.
35) Isaiah 24:9 – Drinkers cannot escape the consequences when God judges.
36) Isaiah 28:1 – God pronounces woe on the drunkards of Ephraim.
37) Isaiah 28:3 – Proud drunkards shall be trodden down.
38) Isaiah 28:7 – Priests and prophets stagger and reel from beer and wine, err in vision, and stumble in judgment.
39) Isaiah 28:8 – Drinkers’ tables are covered with vomit and filth.
40) Isaiah 56:9-12 – Drinkers seek their own gain and expect tomorrow to be just like today.
41) Jeremiah 35:2-14 – The Rechabites drank no grape juice or intoxicating wine and were blessed.
42) Ezekiel 44:21 – Again God instructed the priests not to drink wine.
43) Daniel 1:5-17 – Daniel refused the king’s intoxicating wine and was blessed for it along with his abstaining friends.
44) Daniel 5:1 – Belshazzar, ruler of Babylon; led his people in drinking.
45) Daniel 5:2-3 – The king, along with his nobles, wives, and concubines, drank from the goblets which had been taken from God’s temple.
46) Daniel 5:4 – Drinking wine was combined with praising false gods.
47) Daniel 5:23 – God sent word to Belshazzar that punishment would be swift for the evil he had committed.
48) Hosea 4:11 – Intoxicating wine takes away intelligence.
49) Hosea 7:5 – God reproves princes for drinking.
50) Joel 1:5 – Drunkards awake to see God’s judgment.
51) Joel 3:3 – The enemy is judged for selling girls for wine.
52) Amos 2:8 – Unrighteous acts of Israel included the drinking of wine which had been taken for the payment of fines.
53) Amos 2:12 – Israel is condemned for forcing Nazarites to drink wine.
54) Micah 2:11 – Israelites are eager to follow false teachers who prophesy plenty of intoxicating drinks.
55) Nahum 1:10 – The drunkards of Nineveh will be destroyed by God.
56) Habakkuk 2:5 – A man is betrayed by wine.
57) Habakkuk 2:15 – Woe to him that gives his neighbor drink.
58) Habakkuk 2:16 – Drinking leads to shame.
59) Matthew 24:48-51 – A drinking servant is unprepared for his Lord’s return.
60) Luke 1:15 – John the Baptist drank neither grape juice nor wine.
61) Luke 12:45 – Christ warned against drunkenness.
62) Luke 21:34 – Drunkenness will cause a person not to be ready for the Lord’s return.
63) Romans 13:13 – Do not walk in drunkenness or immorality.
64) Romans 14:21 – Do not do anything that will hurt your testimony as a believer.
65) 1 Corinthians 5:11 – If a Christian brother is a drinker, do not associate with him.
66) 1 Corinthians 6:10 – Drunkards will not inherit the kingdom of God.
67) Galatians 5:21 – Acts of the sinful nature, such as drunkenness, will prohibit a person from inheriting the kingdom of God.
68) Ephesians 5:18 – In contrast to being drunk with wine, the believer is to be filled with the Spirit.
69) 1 Thessalonians 5:6-7 – Christians are to be alert and self-controlled, belonging to the day. Drunkards belong to the night and darkness.
70) 1 Timothy 3:2-3 – Bishops (elders) are to be temperate, sober, and not near any wine.
71) 1 Timothy 3:8 – Deacons are to be worthy of respect and not drinkers.
72) 1 Timothy 3:11 – Deacons’ wives are to be temperate and sober.
73) Titus 1:7-8 – An overseer is to be disciplined.
74) Titus 2:2-3 – The older men and older women of the church are to be temperate and not addicted to wine.

FACTS TO KNOW

1) The Bible does teach total abstinence from alcohol. Both the main Hebrew word for wine and the Greek word for wine can mean either fermented grape juice or intoxicating wine. The English word wine originally had two meanings also – unfermented juice or alcoholic drink.

2) In the Bible, verses to show God approves of wine are speaking about unfermented juice. Verses that expose the evils of wine are speaking about intoxicating wine.

3) The Bible says alcoholic drink is evil. It is not just the amount one drinks that makes drinking a sin. God condemns the drink itself. (Prov 20:1 KJV) Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.

4) God does not lead us into evil; He delivers us from it. He does not teach us to practice evil in moderation. Jesus did not make, use, approve, commend, or tell us to use intoxicating wine.

5) God made man to have fellowship with Him. Alcohol goes directly to the brain, the communication center of the body. It interferes with God’s purpose for mankind.

Time to Go to Al-Anon

Sorry that it’s been so long since I posted anything on my blog.  Why has it been so long, you ask?  Well, I’m not really sure.  I guess I got slack when my alcoholic son moved out of my apt and in with his then girlfriend.  When I didn’t have to see him every day and wasn’t so closely involved in his day-to-day stuff, I had some peace in my life and didn’t feel a need to vent.  His alcoholism was no longer my problem, but his girlfriend’s.

Sad thing is that she is a codependent like me, so he just left one codependent for another which is what alcoholics tend to do.  She is a very sweet lady and I like her very much, but she is closer to my age than to his.  Things went well for them for several months until they had a short break-up, during which time I let him move back in with me.  They continued to see each other though and spent alot of time together.  My son managed to keep his drinking to a reasonable level, for him, or so it seemed.  He would work occasionally for Labor Ready when they a job to send him on.  But he couldn’t find any steady employment.

Then in October he got a case of bronchitis and went to the doctor on a Monday  He was given 3 strong antibiotic pills to take - one a day for 3 days.  They knocked out the bronchitis, but his stomach began hurting and he started throwing up on a regular basis.  By Sunday, he was still hurting and vomiting, so I took him to the ER.  They diagnosed him with pancreatitis caused by his alcoholism.  He was admitted to the hospital where he stayed until Friday evening.  During that time he was given IV fluids, diladid for the pain, and a liquid-only diet.  He was told by the doctor that he had to stop drinking or the pancreatitis would return.

After his release, he stayed sober for about 3 weeks but never went to an AA meeting or got any other sort of help.  Then he relapsed for 1 day and drank some beer.  The fear of losing his girlfriend made him lay it down again for a while.  But just when he seems to be doing really well and I have something to be proud of him for, he goes off the deep end again.  He got drunk Tues night at his girlfriend’s house and she woke up to the evidence and called it quits with him.  He threatened suicide but thankfully didn’t follow through.  Now he is back at my place feeling depressed and will probably be vomiting today.  I fear the pancreatitis will return.

Now to the topic of this post… I am so tired of letting his disease affect my life negatively.  I am tired of being so codependent and wrapped up in what is going on with my 28-yr-old son.  Being an introvert personality, I have never been comfortable in support groups, but feel that it is time to get my butt to Al-Anon.  I realize my life has become unmanageable and that I need help.  The only thing that I have not tried with my son is putting him out on the streets.  I just can’t seem to make myself do that to my only child.  But I realize that I spoil him and make it easier for him to drink.  Part of that is who God has made me, I love helping people and making their lives better.  If I do that for others, why not for my own son?  I am learning though that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.  There is an Al-Anon meeting tonight at 8pm just a hop and skip away from my apt.  God give me the strength and courage to attend!

Alcoholism and Suicide

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org) reports these national statistics regarding suicide:

• Over 36,000 people in the United States die by suicide every year.
• In 2008 (latest available data), there were 36,035 reported suicide deaths.
• Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 years in the United States (29,668 suicides).
• Currently, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
• A person dies by suicide about every 15 minutes in the United States.
• Every day, approximately 99 Americans take their own life.
• Ninety percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
• There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.
• There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides for every suicide death.
• Ninety-six percent of alcoholics who die by suicide continue their substance abuse up to the end of their lives.
• Alcoholism is a factor in about 30 percent of all completed suicides.
• Approximately 7 percent of those with alcohol dependence will die by suicide.

These are some pretty alarming statistics.  Having never been suicidal myself, I had not thought that my alcoholic son would ever try to take his own life… until he did.

It was a Sunday evening, August 21, and my son had been drinking most of the day.  I remember expressing my disappointment once again about his drinking.  It was around 9pm and I was in the living room when I heard the bath water running in his bathroom.  I thought it was very strange for him to be taking a bath or shower so late at night.  Then I heard him go into the kitchen and heard him open the silverware drawer.  I got up to investigate and caught him in the hallway with my largest kitchen knife.  He was running a tub of water and planned to slit his wrists in the tub.  I convinced him to give me the knife and to let me take him to our local hospital that has a behavioral health unit.  They admitted him that night and discharged him on August 24.  He was given a prescription for Trazadone to help him sleep.

Three days later I caught him locked in the bathroom again.  Thankfully, he opened the door for me before actually cutting himself.  Back he went to the hospital.  This time they prescribed Prozac.  When he was discharged 2 days later, he seemed like a changed man.  He was happier and his depression seemed to be lifted.  This lasted about 2 weeks.  He was taking his Prozac regularly and wasn’t drinking.  I thought the crisis was over, but I was wrong.  One evening I came home from work to find him locked in the bathroom once again.  I asked if he was OK and he replied, “Unfortunately, yes.”  He got out of the tub and unlocked the door.  He had several cut marks on both wrists where he had tried to slit them.  Thankfully he wasn’t successful because he had used the wrong type of knife and it wasn’t sharp enough.  This time I didn’t make him return to the hospital, but instead sent him to stay with his grandparents until the weekend so that he would be supervised.  He promised to never try suicide again because he wasn’t successful and I convinced him that God wasn’t ready for him to die yet.  This all happened in August-September 2011.

He went to our local mental health facility a few times and stayed off alcohol for a while.  But over time he stopped taking his Prozac regularly and started drinking again.  He met an older woman online and began a relationship with her.  He has since moved out of my apartment and moved in with her.  They plan to wed in May 2012.

It has taken me so long to write this post because it is painful for me to think about his suicide attempts.  I thank God every day for not allowing my son to take his own life.  As long as he is still alive, there is always hope that one day he will embrace sobriety and learn to enjoy the life that God intended him to live.  But for now, he has been unable to find a job and his drinking has increased again.  I don’t know how long his fiance will put up with it.  I believe she is a codependent like me and will take care of him and enable him as I did.  While I enjoy having my apartment to myself, it has been kind of hard not knowing what he is doing and having no say in his life.  I have really tried to not meddle in their lives and to let him live his own life for a change.  I realize that he has to make his own choices and mistakes and suffer his own consequences.

What I have learned is that anyone can get depressed enough to try to take their own lives.  Some are successful, some are not.  I do believe that my son was just crying out for help and did not really want to die.  But take depression seriously and don’t take suicide threats lightly.  Get help for them if at all possible.

April 27 Tornadoes

On April 27, 2011, in many parts of my home state of Alabama, life as we know it came to a screeching halt.  Several large tornadoes, including the EF5 tornado pictured here, ripped across my beautiful state, leaving death and destruction in its path.  My little part of the state was spared the death & destruction, but power went out and did not return for 6 days.

When I look back on those powerless days, it really wasn’t as bad as I would have imagined.  I had a Coleman 2-burner stove, 2 small propane bottles, a grill, a battery-powered radio, candles, 2 oil lamps and lots of candles.  Luckily, one small town 20 miles west never lost power and 25 miles to the north was the TN state line where power was also available.   But getting to either place to purchase supplies or gasoline proved to be quite the adventure.  But I, and some friends, managed to make it work.  Blessedly, the weather was fairly cool, at least the nights were, so sleeping wasn’t that hard.  Cell phone service was spotty at first, but by day 3 had cleared up and worked fairly well.  I was so happy to have a Smartphone so I could get limited internet access.  A curfew was put in place from dusk to dawn and most people did abide by it.

I was also grateful that my alcoholic son wasn’t here to make it an even more stressful time.  He is still in AZ, but just came off a 5-day drinking binge and had to go to a detox facility.  Found that out yesterday on Mother’s Day.  Typical.  But today he was taken to a halfway house in Phoenix where he claims he will finish the program and stay sober.  Maybe he truly has hit his bottom this time, knowing that no family members were out there to rescue him and almost dieing of alcohol poisoning all alone in a motel room.  Anyway, enough about that.

I have to say how proud I am of the awesome people here in Alabama.  They are pulling together and helping their friends, neighbors, and even strangers clean up the debris and start them down the road to recovery.  There were minimal incidents of looting during the week-long power outage.  I never felt afraid in my pitch dark city at night.  Neighbors helped neighbors in whatever way they could and shared whatever they had available.  It has truly been a time in history that I will never forget.  There is still a long road ahead for many people and I plan to do my part in volunteering my time and money.

I was only 10 at the time of the 1974 tornado outbreak that hit a lot of the same areas but I still remember the people’s lives that were changed that day.  I remember that I was on jury duty during the 1989 tornado outbreak that destroyed parts of the city that I know call home.  Maybe it will be another 20 years or more before we experience this many tornadoes in one day again.   But we need never forget the incredible power that nature can unleash when conditions come together just right lest we become complacent.  Please keep the people of Alabama in your prayers in the weeks and months to come.

Letting Go

I found the following on the back of a church bulletin while sitting in a church waiting for an Easter egg hunt to start this past Saturday.   As “letting go” of my son is something I have been dealing with in my life right now, I felt it was God’s guidance that made me pick up the bulletin and read this.

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring.  It means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off.  It’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another.  It’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective.  It’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

Letter to my Alcoholic Son

Dear son,

It’s Sunday morning and you are 1600 miles away in AZ.  Even though you are 27 years old, you have never been so far away from home before.  I hope and pray that I have thrown you far enough away from the nest this time that you will fly, fly, fly for your life.

I can’t say it’s been easy for me since you left Monday evening on that big Greyhound bus to start your new life.  At first I was so happy just to have you gone.  I had been angry and upset when, once again, you left The Way, quit a good job and went on a drinking binge.  Once again, just when things started looking up for you, you decided to self destruct.  My rational mind just couldn’t comprehend how you could so easily lie and manipulate everyone around you.   I had been praying so hard for you and wanted to believe in you so badly.   But as soon as you moved back here, the insanity started almost immediately.  I can see that now.

My heart was broken, once again, when I came home Thurs evening and you were gone.  As usual, no note… nothing.  When I noticed your toothbrush & toothpaste were gone, too, I knew you wouldn’t be back for a few days.  I wasn’t surprised though.  You are so predictable in your drinking pattern.  But I did feel totally used and totally stupid for thinking things would be different this time.  You had gotten your drivers license back, put money down on a car, and was driving for the first time in 2 years.  You had a good job that would pay your payments and allow you to move in with a roommate.  You had been sober for over 30 days.  But you just weren’t ready to handle the pressure that these new responsibilities put on your life.   So you cracked and escaped with your best friend, alcohol.

My 50th birthday came and went on Fri with no word from you.   It probably didn’t even enter your mind that it was my birthday.  Your disease makes you incapable of caring about anybody but yourself and your wants/needs.  The only use you have for other people is what they can do for you.  But I determined that I was going to have a good day on my birthday… and I did.  I knew that you were probably with your old loser friends.  I also knew that, if you survived this drinking binge, you would eventually find your way back here, hoping to find a good meal and soft bed.

True to form, when I got home from church on Sun you were here.   While you were gone, I had come to peace with the fact that I was done trying to help you.  God had revealed to me the reason I had been holding on so tightly to you.  Because I had lost both my husband and my father to death in 2006, I was so afraid of losing my only child to death, too.  But God had given me the strength to survive that loss, and He would also give me the strength to deal with whatever happens to you in your life.   I can’t go back and change the things I did wrong when raising you, which I know were many.  But I also can’t allow you to shirk your responsibilities in life and drink yourself to death right under my nose.

So while online I found the Transitional Living Communities in Mesa, AZ and you agreed to go out there and give it a try.   We both knew that you couldn’t live here with me any longer.  Like I said, I was happy at first when you left on that big bus… but it’s getting harder to deal with and I’ve been sad more than usual.  I guess I really need to go to Al-Anon.  I thought the umbilical cord has been completely severed when you went into the program at The Way, but I guess there are still some strands that didn’t get cut.  Thus the pain I am feeling.  Don’t worry about me though because I am strong and I have a loving God that watches over me.

You must decide to quit being a victim of your upbringing.  In my mind the jury’s still out on whether alcoholism is hereditary or not.  You could have come by it honest.  But I think it’s just another way you escape from the reality of life along with your video games and music.   You enjoy being alone, which you did get from me.  I’ve always been somewhat of a loner.  If you want a good life, though, you must learn to live life on God’s terms and to love & help others.

What else can I tell you that I haven’t already said hundreds of times before?  So I will end with “I love you so very much and pray for you every day.  Embrace AA and the 12 steps, get rid of all the baggage you carry around, learn to live honestly, and talk to God every day.   Make wise decisions, but own up to your wrongs.  Fly, my son, FLY!!!

Love,

Mom

The Last Two Months

This is my first post since my unhappy New Year’s Day experience with my alcoholic son.   I am happy to report that he is now back at The Way, started a full-time job and doing well.  But it was a hard 2 months.  After staying with my mother for a few days, he then went to his father’s house for a few days, then to his paternal grandparents’ house for a few days.  He wanted to come back home to supposedly look for a job before going back to The Way on Feb 1.  Good codependent that I am, I let him.

Of course, it was just a matter of days before he was drinking again.  I have a full-time job and couldn’t babysit him.  He had gotten paid from his last job while at The Way, so he had money to blow.  During this whole experience, I have gotten closer to God and began to turn over control every day to Him.  Since I am so in tune to my son’s ways, I would see some small growth in him and would be encouraged.  He would attend church with me on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights and seemed to enjoy it.   Then I would be discouraged again when he would drink himself sick.  When he ran out of money, he sold his Ipod and then a new cell phone I had gotten him.

When Feb 1 finally came around, we had a meeting with the director of The Way.  We were told that he could return, but there was a waiting list with 2 men ahead of him.  Once back home, my son continued to drink.  One day I came home and found that he had stolen all the change I had been saving in a plastic jug.  I went off on him and said some things that I regretted.  I then remembered all the times I stole from my parents over 18 years ago when I got addicted to cocaine.  The next morning I told him about  my past and that I understood it’s not who he really is inside, but it’s what his disease makes him do.  He said he realized how bad his drinking had become when he stole from me after all I had done to try to help him.

I know that Al-Anon says I should have kicked him out on the streets and I really struggled with that.  Sometimes God asks us to do things differently from the way the world would do things.  I learned this when my late husband was still drinking and making life hell for us.  God kept telling me to stay in the marriage because He was going to work a miracle in my husband’s life.  So I stayed and prayed and waited for the miracle that eventually came to pass when Jesus delivered him from the desire to drink.  I felt that God was telling me the same thing about my son.  Also, because it was winter and snowing and brutally cold, I just didn’t see that as an option.  I could just imagine seeing him out on the street while I was coming and going about my life, or possibly standing outside my apartment looking like a lost puppy.  My son is not street-smart and most likely would not have survived on the streets.  Once I made the decision to let him stay, I had peace in my spirit.

We continued to attend church together and after the stealing incident, he didn’t drink again.  He checked in to The Way by phone every week.  I prayed for him every day and had family and friends praying for him.  During the whole time he was out of The Way,  he chose to not smoke pot again.  So last Thursday when he was told that he could finally return to The Way, he was able to test clean.  I took him back the next day.  They are letting me pick him up for church, which is a blessing since he really enjoys the church we have been attending.  Today he started a full-time, day job that will give him enough to pay his rent at The Way and have some left to save for when he gets out.

What have I learned from all this?  I have learned to put my whole trust in God and let Him control my actions.  The Bible says that God’s ways are not our ways and that is so true.  The world would have me put my alcoholic son out on the streets, but God didn’t want me to do that.  Because I allowed my son to stay, he is still alive and has matured in his walk with God.  He is now back at a place that will help him learn to do life and accept life on life’s terms.  I have made positive changes in my own life because I want to be a better person and a better example for my son.

I don’t know what the future holds for my son.  I have a vision in my spirit that he will one day be a great man of God and will help other alcoholics find sobriety through faith in Jesus Christ.  All things are possible with God!

Unhappy New Year!

The first day of 2011 started with one of my worst fears coming true… my son was kicked out of the recovery program at The Way.  I got a call that he had snuck out of the house during the night New Year’s Eve and had him a few drinks, then snuck back in.  Someone smelled alcohol on him and so they tested him.  Of course he tested positive.  He had been in the program for 40 days.

I had told him if he left or was asked to leave before he graduated the program that there was nothing I could do for him.  He asked if he could come by here and pick up his computer to take to a friend’s house, and stupid me said “yes”.   My heart was so broken and I was so numb over the situation that I didn’t make him leave that night.  I just couldn’t deal with it right away.  The next morning, being the good codependent that I am, I decided to give him one more chance.  We had a talk and I explained the rules he had to follow to stay.  He agreed to stay sober, go to AA meetings daily and continue to work.  I left and went to the grocery store, came home and took him to a 10am AA meeting.  While he was at the meeting, I went through things in his room and found 8 Steel Reserves hidden in his closet that were still cold.  He had gone to the store while I was at the grocery.  I realized that if he stayed if would be the same old insanity trip.  I prayed for God to give me strength to do what I had to do.  When he called for me to pick him up from meeting, I told him that if he had energy to walk to the store to get beer, that he could walk home from the meeting.  That way he had time to decide what to pack and where he wanted me to take him.

Well, he came in, packed his bag, and I dropped him off at a friend’s apt in another town.  That was on Sunday.   He called my mother yesterday (Wednesday) and asked her to pick him up.  She lives in the same town as his friend.  Being the good codependent that she is, she brought him to her home.   I had told her to not give him any money if he asked,  but didn’t know he would ask to stay with her.  My 45-yr-old addicted sister is already living there and taking advantage of Mom’s codependency, so I hate that she has to deal with my son, too.

The Way has said that Dale can come back into the program after 30 days without having to pay $1000 again.  My son says he wants to go back in, that he hadn’t wanted to get kicked out.  He thought he wouldn’t get caught after drinking New Year’s Eve.  But he didn’t take into consideration that once he started drinking, his body wouldn’t let him stop.  So if he didn’t get caught that time, it would only be matter of time before he had to drink again and again and would eventually get caught.

While in the program, I got nothing but good reports about him and his progress.  Yet when he got a pass and came home for Christmas, I didn’t really see any growth in him except he was not drinking.  He was still selfish and self-centered, didn’t want to socialize with the family, and never once apologized for what his addiction had put his family through.  He had money, but bought no gifts except for himself.  So either he was just playing while at The Way and pretending to get it, or his visits home set off too many triggers and caused him to stumble.  After he had been in the program for 30 days, he was allowed to have his cell phone and his Ipod.  I think having these 2 things also tripped him up by putting his mind back into the old world.

So, my son still has 3 weeks to go before he can return to The Way.  I had hoped that he would hit his bottom during this month, but if my mother insists on helping him, I don’t know if it will happen.  I guess he ran out of money and his friend kicked him out.  I have not called him and will not.  He will have to call me.  I don’t know what I will do.  My mother is old and doesn’t need the added stress.  The rest of his family agrees with me that he needs to hit bottom and probably won’t take him in.

All I can do is pray daily for strength and wisdom in dealing with my alcoholic son.  I know that as long as he is still alive, there is hope.  I don’t know what his bottom will be.  I just pray it is not death.

A Wink From God!

This post doesn’t really have anything to do with alcoholism, other than the fact that I was praying for my alcoholic son when God winked at me. No, of course I didn’t actually see God wink; but for lack of a better term that’s what I call it. Let me explain.

I have Christmas lights around the balcony of my apartment that are plugged into a timer/sensor. This sensor turns the lights on at dark and turns them off 6 hours later. Since my son entered the alcohol recovery program at The Way, I have tried to make it a habit of going into his bedroom in the morning, kneeling by his bed, and praying for him. Some mornings I get busy and forget, but I always pray for him later in the day. This morning I did take the time to pray in his bedroom. It was 6:45 in the morning and the sun had already risen. His bedroom window looks out on the balcony, and as I prayed for him all of a sudden the Christmas lights on the balcony turned on. I stared at them in amazement. I felt in my spirit that God was using the lights to tell me that He hears my prayers for my son and that He has everything under control.  As I left my son’s bedroom and returned to the living room, the Christmas lights turned off again.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

I remember when my late husband was still alive, during his drinking days, God used two geese flying over my house every morning as I left for work to give me hope.   Hope that my husband would one day become sober and stay sober; hope that my marriage would get better, which both eventually happened.  It’s these occasional winks from God that increase my faith and keep me going.  Thanks, God!

Being Your Own Worst Enemy

My late husband was given this cartoon by his counselor during his last stay at a treatment center. I found it the other day when going through a drawer.  It got me to thinking about what it means “to be our own worst enemy.”

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “enemy” as:

1. someone who hates another : someone who attacks or tries to harm another.  If you are your own worst enemy, you act in a way that causes harm to yourself or to the people or things that you care about.
2. something that harms or threatens someone or something
3. a group of people (such as a nation) against whom another group is fighting a war —usually singular

Definition 1 tells us what is means to be our own worst enemy.  Alcoholics & addicts seem to be the worst enemies to themselves, but anyone can be their worst enemy in one area such as, say, dieting, and not in other areas.  When people are their own worst enemy, they consistently sabotage and alienate anything good in their life… jobs, spouses,  family, self-respect, health, and happiness.  I think alcoholics self-destruct because they don’t feel worthy of receiving good in their lives.  They live for the daily drink and can’t really see any future beyond that.

I know my young adult son is a product of a generation that has so many means of escaping from reality… video games, computer games, the internet, easy access to pornography 24/7.  Add alcohol and drugs as a further means of escape, and you have a generation that is totally out of touch with the real world and how to successfully live in it.  When an alcoholic finds sobriety, then they can learn to love themselves and, instead of being their own worst enemy, they can instead be their own best friend.

Alcoholic Son Getting Help -- Finally!

I am so thankful on this Thanksgiving Day that my 26-yr-old alcoholic son is in a men’s Christ-centered recovery center!  I took him on Monday to start a 6-12 month program at The Way Inc.

My son had been living with me for the past year.  We even moved to another apt in Sept so he could continue to stay with me.  After he quit his 3rd job in that year due to drinking, I told him he had until Jan 14 to get some help or find another place to live.  He found The Way on the internet and sent in an application.  They had openings, so we met with the director and he was accepted.  The fee for the first 30 days is $1000, which I didn’t have.  I put out a plea with all of my son’s immediate family members for them to invest in his recovery and they came through with flying colors.  I am very thankful for caring, generous family.  Where God guides, He also provides!

I know the process of recovery is going to be hard for my son.  He has never been one to talk about his feelings and will have to learn to open up and share the things that are keeping him from being able to “do life” successfully.  Hopefully, he will learn to fill his God-shaped hole with God instead of with alcohol and drugs.  I will have no contact with him for 30 days, but get to see him again right before Christmas.  I can’t wait to meet the man that God created him to be without the influence of alcohol.

He started drinking in high school, flunked out of college his first semester, and has quit numerous jobs since then.  I have had to watch my handsome, intelligent, funny son totally waste his life because of alcoholism.  He is not what people call a “functioning” alcoholic.  That is good in a way because it has forced him to seek help earlier in life.  My main prayer the past few months has been “God, please don’t force me to put my only child on the streets.  I don’t think I could bear that.  Please don’t let his bottom be jails, institutions or death.  Please make a way for him to get Christian help!”

Thankfully, God opened a door for my son at The Way Inc.  My son chose to walk through that door.  Whatever happens from here is in God’s hands.  I’ve not been taking his being gone as well as I thought I would.  I seem to be on edge… fears trying to get the best of me.  Fear that my son will walk away from this when the going gets real tough.  He has always been a quitter… he has quit everything he ever started… college, jobs, walked away from Army basic training (twice) and ended up with an Other Than Honorable Discharge, recovery program at the Downtown Rescue Mission 2 years ago.  I made sure he understood before going through this door that if he left or was asked to leave before he graduated the program, that my door was not open to him… that he was on his own.  He said he understood.  But he has loser friends that would come get him, if he called and asked them to.  So I’ve got to turn these fears over to God daily and trust that He’s got everything under control.

Now that I am alone again with my 2 cats, it’s time to work on me and the issues in my life that keep me from progressing in my own Christian walk.  Maybe I can work up the courage to attend Al-Anon meetings and Celebrate Recovery meetings, so that I too can grow and be better support for my son when he graduates from The Way.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Anonymous Alcoholic!

Sins of the Mother (or Father)

I just finished watching a Lifetime movie called Sins of the Mother.  Graduate student Shay Hunter (Nicole Beharie) reaches a crossroads in her life when she finds herself broke, burned out and unable to cope with the stress of school. With nowhere else to go, she embarks on a journey home to Tacoma, Washington, to face her abusive, alcoholic, estranged mother, Nona (Jill Scott). When she returns home, Shay finds Nona living life as a recovered alcoholic, with a new daughter and completely transformed. Thrown by her mother’s new path, Shay must now accept Nona’s changes and influences, including her sponsor, Lois (Rogers) — all forcing Shay to move past her pent-up anger and awaken her own relationships.

It was a great movie, a real tear-jerker.  I sat here wishing my son was watching it with me.  I remembered how my late husband’s 2 daughters severed their relationship with him after one particularly nasty night of drinking during which he spit on them and really scared them.  It took several years of sobriety before they started trusting him again.  It was the same with the rest of his family.  The alcoholic actions of one or both parents has a tremendous affect on a child’s ability to trust; in themselves and in others.

The daughter in this movie had a very hard time accepting her mother’s apology.  She thought her mother should have to pay somehow for her terrible childhood, not realizing how much her mother had already paid for her alcoholic lifestyle.  She wanted to stay a victim, instead of rising above her childhood and forgiving her mother.  This movie did have a happy ending.  Too bad real life doesn’t always turn out like in the movies.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Anybody else tired of riding the emotional roller coaster caused by living with an alcoholic?  I know I am.   I have gone from trying to “detach with love” from my son’s disease to controlling his drinking again.  He’s been sober for 3 days after going on another binge, missing work to go off with friends.  I told him this was absolutely the last chance if he wants to stay living with me.   When he said he wanted to walk home from work this morning instead of me picking him up, I knew he would stop and get beer and I was right.  I checked his backpack when he got in a found 4 tall boy Steel Reserves.  I poured them down the kitchen drain.  I have been making him go to AA meetings, but I know his heart is not in it.  It’s just a matter of time before I am faced with the decision once again of putting him out on the street.  I pray and pray for him to stay sober, but my prayers seem to be falling on deaf ears.  Sorry God.  I pray for someone in AA to take him under their wing and help him find sobriety.  I pray that I won’t be forced to put my only child out to live on the streets with the other homeless.  In reality, I know this may be the only thing that helps him in the long run, but I don’t know if I have the strength to carry through.  It would be easier to put him out if he were verbally abusive or a danger to me.  But he is only a danger to himself when drinking.  My greatest desire is for him to one day have a life and family of his own, but that will never happen as long as he is drinking.  He goes from job to job and has no real friends.  I really hate this stupid disease and what it is doing to my handsome, smart son.  Please stop this ride, I want to get off!!!